Bookstore Rolls Out New Buyback Rates Amidst COVID-19

As COVID-19 continues to cripple the American society blow after blow, more alterations are being put in place to aid the citizens of the country. The latest of these attempts at aid come from the Dickinson Bookstore. As of April 5, the bookstore has vowed to buy back students’ textbooks for 2.5% of the original, an increase from their previous buyback rate of 1% of the value. Along with this, they are also giving students one half of a meal swipe. Because of this, though, they have opted to get rid of the free D-Den drink tokens.  

This deal doesn’t end here, though. If your book has writing in it, the staff will now hand you a random coin out of a very large bucket with a dollar sign painted on the side of it. If your book happens to be a physics or chemistry textbook, you will get a bag of lukewarm mashed potatoes from the dining hall along with your 2.5% buyback. If your books are in perfect condition, you will receive a golden star sticker. The sticker currently has no use, but it’s shiny and looks pretty.  

When do these deals start, you may ask? Well, they start today, but you must come back up to campus immediately. They will end 12 hours from now, so hurry up! 

What about that shady-looking black van that parks outside of the library? They are also providing extra deals! Although the buyback rate of 2.105% has not been increased, the guy at the stand will now give you his mixtape burned onto a slightly scratched CD with every buyback. If you’re really lucky, he’ll invite you to his timeshare. This deal goes along with the bookstore’s time as well.  

These movements do not come without sacrifice, however. Because of the predicted loss of profit, the sushi in the Quarry and SNAR will now cost $18.75 per pack and milkshakes will cost $21. Burgers at the SNAR will use one meal swipe per topping (not including the patty) and tri-taters will be three meal swipes rather than just one. In order to save on electricity bills, the pretzels at the Quarry will no longer be served cooked. Finally, printers all across campus will now charge three dollars per sheet of paper and will only print cyan-based ink. These will go into action at the start of next school year and last until May 2028.  

Christian Knight, promising you all that this is satire and to please not take his word for this as he is but a simple little lying boy

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