author: Cheryl Keen, ’13
All Hallow’s Eve is almost upon us, and that means one thing: girls with daddy issues finally get to dress up in toddlers’ clothes, solicit sex, and not spend a night in the lock-up. What could be better for the male population of Dickinson? How about girls wearing some costumes guys REALLY want to see? I mean come on: when was the last time a guy wanted to sleep with a witch? Get it on with a kitten? Deflower Rainbow Brite? (Well, maybe that last one…) For the sake of all the men out there, I’ve decided to educate women on what the opposite sex would love to bang on Halloween night. I give you: the sexiest Halloween costumes of 2009. You’re welcome.
Men love meat. For god’s sake, just take a lap around the caf and you’ll see what I mean. Does a person really need chicken ka-bobs, a ham sandwich the size of my head, and a 4 foot long hotdog to satisfy their inner carnivore? Ladies, if you want those boys to eat you up this Halloween, I humbly suggest dressing yourself as a Steak. Whether you’re rare or medium-well, these Dickinson dudes will not be able to keep their mouths off you. Not sexy enough? Get some hot friends to go with you as mashed potatoes and you’ll be unstoppable.
However, if there’s one thing men do love more than meat, it has to be beer. For this costume, I recommend chilling yourself for several hours before your debut. No one likes a warm beer. As far as the name on your label, think classy. You won’t be taking the walk of shame from that sexy football player’s room if you’re dressed as a can of Natty Light. Then again, knowing the football players around here, maybe you will. But I’ll tell you one thing: dress as Milwaukee’s Best and you should probably get tested come the first of November. I’m just saying.
Last, but not least, comes the costume which will get his attention like no other. Girls who already have a target on a specific boy’s heart should dress as one thing and one thing only: his mother. It turned Freud on, didn’t it? Studies have shown that men do prefer women who resemble their own mothers. How do you find what Mommy looks like, you ask? Here is where you resort to what I like to call “good, old-fashioned facebook stalking”. Add some grays and mix well with overpowering perfume for best results. Some boys may wonder at your choice, and I’ll admit, it doesn’t work for everyone. This is where you need to find the species known as “The Mama’s Boy”. Don’t worry, ladies, this is Dickinson. They’re everywhere.
And those, square readers, are the sexiest costumes of Halloween 2009. I personally guarantee that if you don’t get laid whilst wearing one of the above, then you are completely un-doable.