Author: Eddie Small ’10
Not too long ago, the gym was one of the greatest places in the world to meet girls. Because you were both at the gym, you were obviously either both already in very good shape or both dedicated to getting in very good shape unless you don’t feel that well or don’t wake up on time or an episode of The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air is on that you haven’t seen in a while. With this out of the way, all you had to do was walk up to one of the several girls on the elliptical machines desperately trying to sweat off that Twinkie they ate at Christmas when they were six, tell her something clever like “Hot enough for you?”, and the two of you would instantly develop a connection strong enough to last until you realize she doesn’t like Will Smith as much as you do.
However, thanks to what myself and F. Scott Fitzgerald have dubbed “Steve Jobs’ Reign of Terror,” (also known as “The Jazz Age”) this is no longer the case. The ears of girls that were once open and ready to hear the clever one-liners of countless witty guys are now filled with iPod headphones. Unless some medical organization comes out with a study linking these headphones to brain cancer or an esteemed publication such as Cosmopolitan deems them “not” instead of “hot,” it appears as though it will be this way for the near future.
So, what’s a guy to do now? Well, luckily for the rest of you, I have come up with a number of new and innovative strategies that I am 100 percent sure will be 100 percent effective if I ever get around to trying any of them out, which I am 100 percent sure I will not be doing anytime soon.
The first strategy involves taking advantage of the roughly two second gap between each song, as this will probably be the only time period when the girl will have the opportunity to listen to you instead of a song about what a waste of time creepy guys like you are. Thus, instead of delivering your classic pickup line in one fell swoop, you can break it up into shorter segments. Where you once would just ask the girl, “Hey, do you come here often?” you will now say “Hey do you” before pausing for about three minutes and then finishing it up with “come here often?” This should prove doubly effective if the girl turns out to be interested in postmodernism.
The second strategy is becoming fluent in American Sign Language. After all, unless the girl you’re after has chosen to exercise with the sleek new iPod Blind, she should still be able to see you even if she can’t hear you. Sure, learning the language will be a long and arduous process, but just imagine how gratifying the day will be when you can finally go to the gym and sign “What’s your sign?” to the girl of your choosing. This feeling of accomplishment will certainly be strong and should last all of a few seconds before you realize that, not only did she not get the pun, but she also doesn’t understand sign language and assumes you are just severely dehydrated. It’s not really her fault though. As I’m sure you know by now, learning the language is a pretty long and arduous process. To be honest, I’m not even sure why you attempted it in the first place.
The third strategy is to come up with more than two strategies for meeting girls at the gym – in fact, perhaps it isn’t a great place to pick up women at all. Try hitting up The SNAR, instead. Good luck!