How To Seduce a First Year

By: Cheryl Keen

One of the best things about returning as a sophomore to Dickinson is that not only do the abroad juniors come back to school, but there’s a whole new crop of freshmen to meet. And for some girls, “meet” means “meat.” Now, I myself am not interested in Freshman boys, but I hear oh so many complaints from the lonely women in my class. “Why, Cheryl?” they cry in frustration, “Why won’t these young, innocent boys let me take them on a first class tour of the Prayer and Meditation room?” When this happens, I usually shake my head in sympathy. Today, however, it’s time for a change. I have decided to go undercover to bring you “How To: Seduce A Freshman.”
First things first, you need to make it obvious that you’re an upperclassman. Wear your “Dickinson Class of …” shirt to make a statement, or one of the old “I Love Carlisle” shirts. Greek letters work too, since our fine First-Year chums have not had the option of rushing yet. For my attempt to find a freshman boy, I chose a shirt that I made myself out of sharpie, reading in big block letters “LOOK AT ME I AM OLDER THAN YOU.” I thought this would prove to be very effective on my hunt.
The second rule of cougar pickup is location, location, location. You won’t find any young’uns over at Denny Apartments, only seniors and bums. Prime locations for freshmen scouting include:
1. Drayer Porch
2. The Freshman Quads
3. In the gym, trying to burn off that freshman 15
4. Misenos
5. Activities Night
6. Working in the Caf
Once you have selected your location, you need to look busy doing upperclassman-ey stuff. If they just see you sitting outside Adams, a wild glint in your eye, they will not care to hold a conversation with you. In fact, they may call DPS. I’ve found the best thing to do is just to sit in one of the aforementioned locations with your laptop, dicking around on Facebook or whatever until you spy a Freshie. Once you have your target in place, accidently shut down or lock the laptop, and then ask said boy or girl for help. Conversation opened!
Of course, it’s no good opening a conversation if you don’t know how to take it from there. A gangly boy approached me when my laptop was “broken” and asked if he could help. While I let him fiddle with it, I tried such lines as
“I have a car.”
“Don’t you just love the cushies? They’re especially amazing your second year back.”
“I live in KW you know. That’s for upperclassmen. Like me.”
“Worship me! I am older than you!”
The poor boy looked startled and asked if he could leave. I said no, but he ran off anyway. Fine. First Years- 1. Cheryl- 0. It wouldn’t stay that way for long though, as I was planning on continuing my investigation until I had at least a nibble of interest.
I gave up.
The truth is, you just can’t make someone like you, even if you are older and wiser and creepier. I tried in vain to seduce these wholesome Freshies, but got nowhere. Were they intimidated? Perhaps. Were they terrified? Only like two of them. Were they interested? No, not really. There is no tried and true way to make those younger kids like you, I’m afraid. I guess the only thing you can do is act like a normal human and see if they come biting.

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