Mrs. Scoops’ Sex Advice

Author: Mrs. Scoops

Dear Mrs. Scoops-
I like this girl that goes to my school. She is 6’11”, black, sassy, and plays on the football team. I am 5’1”, white, reserved, and I generally don’t care for anything except my big black sweetie. I don’t think she knows I exist. How can I get her to marry me?

Love, Marital Mitch

Dear Marital Mitch-
You put no time into your letter to me. Your lack of editing is apparent; a coloured goes the same school as you? Bless my dear soul. Now I know that’s not what you meant, sweetie, but you have to think about how it sounds to an old belle like me to read that you think a female plays organized sports. Glory be. You had me strung along for a second, but don’t think I’d have followed you out of the kitchen! Oh, Cledus would have had my rollin’ pin faster than you can say prohibition! I’m liable to think you aren’t 5’1” at this point either; my lack of faith in you as an author is non-existent. You need to hire a fact-checker, child.

A-scooooooop!
Mrs. Scoops

Dear Mrs. Scoops-
My girl’s vajingo is vajazzled and twattooed. My cock is pierced in all the right places and our sex swing hangs in the doorway of her RA’s room, so her RA can watch. We have lubes of various varieties and toys that do many things. We even have the largest porn collection on the Eastern Sea Board. Unfortunately, neither of us can get off anymore. What should we try next?

Love,
Randy Andy

Dear Randy Andy-
What in the what did you just say? I tell you boy, if I could get my hands on you right now, your mouth would be filled with soap faster than you could choke on your own saliva-mixed-with-suds! Back in my day, we did things the way God wanted: missionary position with a dickhole cut in the sheet so’s no one’s stank nastiness had to touch! For the love of the neglected teenage Jesus! Do you even know why no one talks about Jesus’ teenage years? Do you really want to know? It’s because all he did all day was bang the local whores and prostitute his own mother to the Conway the Goat Mongerer! My Lord, Cledus had to leave the room right now he was so appalled by your language.

A-scooooooop!
Mrs. Scoops

PS – Dump your girlfriend and come to the Motel 6 at 9PM. A-scoooooop!

Dear Mrs. Scoops-
My boy toy goes to school two hours away. When he comes we fuck like hippopatami in the mud, but when we’re apart my spidersnatch gets crawly with them cobwebbings. I don’t like vibrators. What do I do?

Love,
Sexy Lexi

Dear Sexi Lexi-
My dear, you mustn’t be so impatient! A two-hour train ride through the local countryside is simply charming this time of year, or if you can get your father to take you in his friend’s Model T, why you’ll be the talk of the campus! I remember my first Model T ride. Prissy Lil’ Miss Trinity Elizabeth nearly spat out her Bazooka Joe when she saw me sitting on the cushy leather. Then when I got to the Gentleman’s College Cledus attended, we ate sweet, sweet snacks til nearly 10PM (and even swapped a smooch on the cheek)! A word to the wise, though; his roommate was rather peevish, and didn’t appreciate being snacksiled til such a later hour, what with his Penmenship final the next morrow bright!

Love,
Mrs. Scoops

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One Response to “Mrs. Scoops’ Sex Advice”

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  1. October 2010 Issue! « the square. blog - October 7, 2010

    […] Mrs. Scoops’ Sex Advice […]

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