Author: Brett Cassette
Well, kids, it’s that time of year again. Halloween: aka, the time of the year someone will convince you that you have to see Rocky Horror Picture Show. If you’ve already seen it, good for you. Go see it again and be sure to throw a piece of toast in the air for me, because no one in Africa needs carbohydrates, or the energy you used to toast a now-worthless piece of bread, asshole.
If you haven’t seen Rocky Horror before, take my advice: don’t try. It is impossible to watch Rocky Horror for the first time unless you’re by yourself, and the suicide rate for people that attempt to watch RH for the first time on their own is surprisingly high (estimated 1 in 50). Seriously, there’s a reason this film tanked in its first run through the box office.
I have seen the cult classic on three occasions, and I still have no fucking clue what it’s about. I was playing Edward 40-hands during one of these viewings, and attribute my amnesia in that instance to having 80 fluid ounces of beer duct taped to my body, but in general, it’s impossible to understand anything about Rocky Horror because it is the single film during which you’re allowed to be a complete douchebag. As far as I’m aware, the rules of the film are: quote every line of dialogue and sing every lyric, even if you don’t know them. There are always numerous people mumbling in time to the music (and that’s on a good viewing; when you catch it with those friends that can’t keep a beat, it’s a grand aural clusterfuck).
The only things I know about Rocky Horror are these:
People like to curse at a woman named Janet in ways that rhyme with her name.
People that watch this movie must get together and rehearse dance numbers without me.
If five people sing at once and none can sing in time with the film, it sounds like the Tazmanian Devil having angry sex with Gilbert Gottfried.
The only lyric anyone knows for sure is “transvestite from transsexual Transylvania,” though no one is quite sure how long the pause is between each word.
There aren’t “notes” per se, in Rocky Horror. “Music” is an arbitrary construction, and everything is a “harmony.”
David Bowie might have made this movie.
David Bowie might be in this movie.
Meatloaf is definitely in this movie.
You might have to drink Koolaid after you watch this movie. Remember to give it to your children first!
Philosophical enquiry: if the audience fails to say a line, will the actors still say it?
If a tree falls in the woods, will it be less annoying than this?
If I went to the Harry Potter 6 screening and consistently shouted “Snape Kills Dumbledore,” would it be alright because I did it with 12 of my closest friends?
There is something called a “Time Warp” and it must have been done at least once before.
Audience members must even play the parts of minor characters and extras.
Never before have extras been so disenfranchised. What rights do they have left when the audience helps them applaud?
I always leave this movie at some point after there’s a guy only wearing a gold Speedo. The audience annoys the crap out of me by this point.
The only way to watch this movie for the first time is alone in your room, drunk and high. The movie still won’t make sense, but at least you’ll be drunk, high, and most importantly, alone.