How To: Flirt In Real Life

By: Cheryl Keen

Perhaps nothing has ever taken Dickinson by storm so much as, a website launched this past October which has been a topic of hot discussion on our fine campus. The site allows students to post anonymously, using names such as “Grape” and “Cucumber,” about people around campus that catch their eye. Some gems from the Dickinson page include:

At around: Male, Brunette. You got some nappy dreads but it goes well with your freckles. Call me?

At somewhere down in the HUB (MR): Female, Brunette. I hope you know that you are very pretty. I could not help but check you out when you walked in here with your coffee mug and green water bottle. Hope you noticed me as well and if you did hit me up. i know im being obvious but it is so i can your attention.

At quarry: Male, Brunette. We were waiting for our sandwiches together and i wanted to eat you instead. Collect me?

So, how exactly did we get to this point where even the most basic human interaction, trying to procreate, has been taken over by the internet? I can tell you exactly how… no one knows the fine art of flirtation anymore! For instance, in high school I can clearly remember an unfortunate mouth-breather walking up to his crush, blocking her from being able to move past him, and wheezing:

“So. I saw your house on Google Earth last night.”

That, ladies and gentlemen, is why I have no faith that our species will be able to survive much longer. That, or all the morons that think satellite creeping is a great pickup line will get laid, and then we’ll have an Idiocracy situation on our hands.

Now how does one go about flirting in person? It’s easy: find a person you think seems attractive and cool, start small talk with them, compliment them, and if they’re receptive, ask them to get coffee or something. The small talk and compliments are key: this is called in-person flirtation. Yeah that’s right; put away your Blackberries and your Facebook chats and your instant messages. We’ve become so socially awkward as a society that the only way we can flirt even halfway decently anymore is when we have the option of writing it down, proofreading it, deciding on a more witty phrase, and then finally sending. Hell, I’ve even been the one to flirty-text a guy for my friend just so she would sound more eloquent. You think he’s not going to realize you have the vocabulary of an 8th grader when you finally, god forbid, meet up with him? Then again, he was probably having one of his friends text her too, which means no, he wouldn’t notice. Again: Idiocracy.

So what can we, as people who want to find sweet, sweet love, possibly do in the face of so much easy technology and awkward human interaction? Just suck it up and go for it! Be truthful: if you like a girl’s scarf, say something to her. She’ll appreciate it. You saw that cute guy on the bastketball team? Tell him how well he did last game. You don’t need to be a creep and post your compliments online, why not take some credit for them, for goodness sake? Worst that can happen is you’ll be rejected which, come on, would happen anyway if he/she ever found out who “Boisenberry” was on LikeALittle.
It’s time to grow up, Dickinson! You aren’t going to find your soul mate by staying up all night in the blue glow of your laptop monitor.

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